Giving up

My last post was about my ex back in march.  I havent thought about her since.  I spoke to her today and i might as well just be back where i was all the way at the beginning.  Whats the point.  I feel like giving up.  But i wont.  And that is the real shame of it.

Messed Up

I am really screwed up in the head.  I have concerns regarding things that I have heard that my ex-wife may be in an abusive relationship.  The screwed up part is that I feel guilty about it even though the situation doesnt even involve me.

I need to talkit out to undetstamd it, but I as m too tired right now.  I eill try later.

Regrets

I have done quite a few things in my life that I am not exactly proud of, but nothing that I regret.

I do however regret quite a few actions that I did not take, and wish that I had.

Tired and ready to give up

The day started out well, but I am in a foul mood tonight.  I am sure tomorrow will be better.

On a positive note, I decided to start the DG fund today.

DG --> Dyslexic Golf --> GFOOL --> Get the Fuck out of Lancaster

Sometimes I crack myself up.  But mostly I am just a nerd.

Not Me

I am fucking tired of being blamed for shit that other people do.

I am a man, but that does not mean that I think with my cock.

I am a Steeler's fan, but that does not mean that I am an asshole.



Don't judge me by your experiences with other people. I am me. I am a wholy different breed.


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I thought that I had a thought here but it is clearly incomplete.

I will try again later.

The Measure of a Man

How do you take the measure of a man?

Do you look to the friends that he chooses, or who choose him?

Do you look to the actions and decisions that he makes?

Do you look to the accomplishments of his life?

Do you look to the things he does right, because he feels that he must do the right thing?

Do you look to the things he does wrong, because he has made a mistake?

No.

A truly good man does right, not because he thinks its right, and not for selfish gains, but simply because he can do no other.

A bit of dark poetry

I have dreamed of things that I would not do.

Are they Dreams, or memories in the form of denial?

Am I the good man who has been hurt?
Am I the evil man, hiding his true nature?

Can these two co-exist, or will there be a FIGHT?

If these is a battle, what chance does a GOOD man have,
fighting against EVIL in this world?

My Blog

Up until now this blog has not been published. It has been a private entry for me to record my thoughts. I have considered making it public, maybe even advertising it. The reason for this is that I have started writing again. I used to write on a daily basis. Largely things that made no sense to anyone but me. I have supressed this, because I was too busy living my life. But now that I have begun again, I find that I cannot or do not want to stop (or are these the same thing?). I believe that some feedback may help me to figure out what is noise in my head, and what actually makes sense.

The only dilemma I have is that a lot of what I have posted here is very personal, and may hurt some of the people that read it. But truly the only people that will make sense of any of it are the people that know me and have lived through it with me. The rest will probably see it as pointless whining gibberish.

But as always when my mind is crossed about a subject, I will put it off until another day, and allow my subconscious to chew on it.

I am back baby!

Problem with net connection for a few days, but I am back online. It is awesome to be able to access what I have been cut off from, but kind of sad how dependant I am.

On another note, tonight was a good night. Got a lot done. Feeling positive. Loving life. Frank is gone. hehe

30

Turning 30 in a few weeks, and I am absoltely sure that I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing with my life. But I still have faith that something will show me the way, now that my eyes are open again.

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Epiphany

I have not been happy with myself recently. I have been attacking this problem in the wrong way. I had thought that there must be something wrong with me. That I should like myself, and because I do not there must be something wrong with my judgement about who I should be. I have been attempting to redefine myself. I have been trying to come up with a new standard by which to judge myself.

In the process I have been doing things that I never would have done in the past. I have been spending time at the bar. Too much time. I have been drinking myself stupid. I have been fooling myself into thinking that because I have been through a bad experience I should give myself some leeway. That I should not be too hard on myself. My friends have agreed with this. They do not want me to be hard on myself either. They truly do think that I am a great person. And to an extent I agree. I do in fact put others be for me. I do in fact do everything I can to make the people around me happy.

But this is not enough. This is going to sound arrogant, but it does not make it less true: I have a great potential. I was put on this earth for a reason. There is something that I was meant to do. I have felt this way ever since I was 10. I stopped looking for that reason when I got married because I thought that I had found it. After my divorce I did not stat looking again because I still felt like I had found it, but that I had somehow failed. Though I still feel a lot of personal guilt, a lot of which is likely misplaced, about the failure of my marriage, I do now realize that this failure is nothing compared to the greater failure that I have been perpetrating.

I still feel strongly that there is a purpose for me in this life. I am going to continue pursuing it. I am going to start pushing myself harder, like I used to, so that I can find out what this is. I am no longer going to lower my standards in regard to who I think I should be in order to make the person that I am fit. I am no longer going to make excuses. I like the person that I am, but the actions that I take are not mine. I am allowing myself to do things that I would never have done before, using pain as an excuse.

No more.

Women

I sometimes have trouble ynderstanding the fairer sex. In several occasions I have tried to start a friendship with a girl and they misunderstand and think that I am looking for something romantic.

I wonder if it is something I do, or if it is just the nature of a relationship between a man and a woman.

Maybe I just have to work harder at making my intentions clear.

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Out

Always leave yourself an out. Where's my out?

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Moving On

I still feel great.

I had lunch on Thursday with an old high school friend. Having lunch with her made me think about dating. I have never really dated. The only serious relationship I have ever had was with my ex wife and our courtship was so brief that it hardly counts.

I had thought that it would be more difficult to get back in the "game", but I have really been enjoying the idea. Good for me,i guess.

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Happy

I am still in a really great mood. I thought that once I woke up it might go away, but it hasnt. I feel like a weight has been lifted, and all the stress of the last few minths is gone.

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Just a thought.

I have moved to the middle of the bed. This won't mean anything unless you have read all my posts, but as I am the only one reading them anyway, that is just fine. :-)

Thanksgiving...

I never liked the holidays. It is always too chaotic for me, but this year Thanksgiving is off to a good start. Had some fun with the friends and a few drinks. Meeting my folks tomorrow for dinner and I think I will try to continue my tradition of watching It's A Wonderful Life in the evening.

Tonight did however get me thinking that chaos is what has really been bothering me over the last few months. I know it is because of my OCD symptoms, but I do not like chaos. I take great comfort in order. I am really going to try and start to have a routine that I can follow. I just hope I can do it without adding more anxiety. The problem with a routine when you have OCD is that if it gets too inflexible it can be drastically worse than chaos. If you are so stuck to the routine that it causes panic attacks when you do not follow it, then it is much, much worse. Trust me. I've been down that road before.

Sierra Nevada

Not the greatest, but not bad.

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Long Weekend and a thought.

I just finished a ridiculously long weekend. It was funny, but it is time to get back to business. I went a little wild trying to find my footing, and stumbled a bit. But it is good to be in a good place.

I did however have a thought. I am still sleeping on the left side of the bed. I could just as easily sleep on the right or in the middle, but habit is habit.

The truth is I always slept on the right side of the bed before, but changed to the left because kate was more comfortable on the right. I am not trying to be deep, but it is just a symbol of the fact that there are many things that will stay with me from my marriage. ..

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Let it be...

I am feeling good. Really good. I don't know what made the change, but I woke up the other morning after a full nights sleep and felt good. That good feeling has lasted for days. Lets hope it stays.

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