Somedays your the bug...

...and somedays your the windshield.

Things have been going really well but every now and again you have a day where everything goes wrong.

I got comcast in to set up internet and everything was working great until the tech left. Now I get disconnected every ten minutes.

I set aside time to finish my schoolwork before class only to realize that I have no idea where my portable hard drive is.

I left early to come to class so that I could stop at the PSECU office in Harrisburg to close the joint account. I got there at 4:05, they closed at 4.

And speaking of banks I got a call from them earlier today. I wrote a check to transfer funds from one account to another. It was a little over 3 grand. I forgot to sign it. So not only did I get a fee but I had to rush over to the ATM to make another deposit so I didnt go in the red and have my rent check bounce.

I got it all straightened out, but it is only 5 and I am already ready to give up on today.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

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My Weird Brain

I have begun settling into my new place, and I am so far very happy here. But this morning I awoke from a dream I can't remember and was very disoriented. The stained glass window in my bathroom casts a strange shadow on my wall above my bed that looks like prison bars. An I feeling like this place is a self imposed prison or am I tired and thinking a bit too freudian?

I guess only the morning will tell. For now back to bed until a more reasonable hour.

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Resolution

I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on my path. I have been worried that I have been effected by the recent events of my life. Which is obviously true, as this is always the case. But I have been concerned that it is changing me into a different person than I was before. I have also been concerned that this new person is not someone I like. But I have come to a resolution. The decisions I made, though difficult were the right ones. And regretting those decisions makes it impossible to move forward.

I could not move forward on a path with Kate because I could not see a path that was not destructive. Not just to me, but to us both. I see the path before me now, but the regrets I feel about the way that things happened make me wish there was a different one to follow.

The plain and simple truth is thst the path that I am on now is the right one and there is only one decision to be made. Following it and not allowing my regrets to stop me, or giving up. I am not ready to give up, as I have only begun the fight. So I will do my best to move forward regret free, and live my life.

The hardest thing to face is not that I do not like who I am becoming but that I do not like who I was.

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2 posts in one night, crazinesd

I was reading through my old blog postd and finally read the first one. It struck me. Hard. It was a post about moving into Oakview with Kate. I really felt strongly that she was "the one". Was I really naive, or did things just go bad over the years? I guess that is a question I will need to answer before I can really move on.

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Bittersweet

I am making preparations to move into my new apartment tomorrow. It is bittersweet. It feels good to be moving forward with my life, but it is also hard to finally accept that this is so final. After four years of being with someone that you loved more than anything it is hard to accept that it is time to move on, even if it is for the best. But I truly believe that everything is finally going to be ok.

Just a long night, but I have to get this off my chest...

How is it possible that someone could be so in love with you that you are able to choose names for your children one day and not the next?

I have dealt with all the emotions about getting divorced, and I am finally okay with all of it. But I still can't sleep well at night. What keeps me up? Thinking about the fact that I am never going to meet Elena Marie Mohler or Conner Bruce Mohler. They never even existed anywhere but in my imagination, but it doesn't make me miss them any less.

My poor friend blogger...

Oh blogger, my poor mistreated friend. I only ever come to you to talk when things are going well or things are going bad. But even still you allow me to vent so that I can move on with things.

As far as things going bad, I guess you could not get much worse than now.

I am in the process of getting divorced. It would not have been my choice. Frankly I still don't know what my choice is. I feel as though my hands are being forced, and there are no decisions left to me. But what is done is done, and now I must find a way for me to move forward.

Starting a life over when you are nearly 30 is not fun. I am just now getting myself set back up to the point where I can even function, and I have no idea what to do with myself. For the time being I am simply going through the motions. Mostly because I have no energy left to do anything else.

Well enough of the self pity and the hatred. I am a strong man, and I can get past anything. I just spent the last three years of my life muddling through some pretty tough situations, with the goal in mind always ending with me standing hand in hand with the woman I loved. Now I need to determine what I want in life now that I cannot have that.