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Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Laundry
Doing your laundry in the laundromat can be slightly depressing. I think it has something to do with everything going in circles.
Another night... Another fail...
I really did want to accomplish things but life got in the way, good night at work, but a flat tire and a long night at the bar with Nate has set me back a step. How do I move forward? I simply do not know.
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Monday, November 1, 2010
Honesty
I have not been very honest with my self. I have been telling myself that I am alright. That everything is ok. That my life is going exactly how I planned.
The truth is that I am still in pain. I have not been dealing with that pain. I have been spending all my time trying to find things that numb that pain. I have been succeeding, but only for a short period of time. I need to accept that this pain is real, I need to better understand it, and I need to embrace it before I can really even begin the work of fixing it.
In the short term, that means that I need to stop wallowing in self pity. I need to get things done. I need to set the things in my life that I have no control over back into motion, and deal with the pain as it comes.
It sounds really stupid, but the first thing I will need to do is make a todo list. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't do this, I will lose track and be back here tomorrow morning after having gotten absoslutely nothing accomplished.
I have to go to work now, but I am going to start working on that list tonight during my few moments of downtime, and I WILL finish it when I get home. And then I can start getting things done and move forward with my life.
The truth is that I am still in pain. I have not been dealing with that pain. I have been spending all my time trying to find things that numb that pain. I have been succeeding, but only for a short period of time. I need to accept that this pain is real, I need to better understand it, and I need to embrace it before I can really even begin the work of fixing it.
In the short term, that means that I need to stop wallowing in self pity. I need to get things done. I need to set the things in my life that I have no control over back into motion, and deal with the pain as it comes.
It sounds really stupid, but the first thing I will need to do is make a todo list. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't do this, I will lose track and be back here tomorrow morning after having gotten absoslutely nothing accomplished.
I have to go to work now, but I am going to start working on that list tonight during my few moments of downtime, and I WILL finish it when I get home. And then I can start getting things done and move forward with my life.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Here it comes... And there it goes...
You think you are past the pain and then something hits you and it all comes back. I dont think I am ever going to be able to fall in love again, it is just too painful.
But alas, I refuse to let it ruin my good time. Back to the halloween party I go.
But alas, I refuse to let it ruin my good time. Back to the halloween party I go.
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Friday, October 29, 2010
I do not know who I am anymore....
How do you find a new definition of yourself, after spending so much energy on the old definition. Who am I? What is my purpose? Do I even like me?
Tired, so tired....
Tired, so tired....
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Oh Sandman Send Me A Dream...
Life is getting better all the time, I am settling into my new apartment, I am really enjoying my new job, I am making a lot of new friends. Life is good...
But I still wake up many nights from a nightmare that I cannot place, and it takes me a few minutes to realize where I am. I hope I can get this sorted out soon. It sucks.
But I still wake up many nights from a nightmare that I cannot place, and it takes me a few minutes to realize where I am. I hope I can get this sorted out soon. It sucks.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The week has drastically improved.
I finally got my internet problems sorted out. Was a simple connection problem, replaced the Cat5 cable that comcast sent with a new one and everything is working great now.
I also finished unpacking, got caught up on my schoolwork and balanced my checking account. This honestly makes me feel really good as the mess was getting to me. I also am usually very strict about staying up on school and staying ahead of my finances, so letting things go was putting me in a miserable mood.
It seems all I needed was a couple of distraction free hours and all is right in the world. I think that I should start setting aside a few hours a week just to dot the I's and cross the T's.
I also made plans to go and have Yuengs and Wings with Tammy and made plans with Robert for Monday. Another thing that I have been putting off because I have been procrastinating. Robert and I have been getting together every Monday afternoon for about a month to work on projects that we need another set of hands for. It has been great to be able to get some things done, but mostly it has just been awesome to spend some time with family, something that I have been missing for the last few years.
...
On a more serious note, I have noticed a positive change in myself. My entire life I have had problems with self-confidence. I have always undervalued myself and it has lead to me undermine a lot of good situations. Two things have happened in the last few weeks that have made me realize that, while this might still be an occasional issue, it is definitely improving.
First off I have been taking a very active role in my group projects for school. In the past I have always lead someone else take point and just put in input in my area of expertise, but as I am nearing the end of my degree I am realizing that in many situations I am the expert, and I am happy to find out that unlike some leaders I am really excited when group members share input. There is nothing quite as exciting as when a group of people who all bring different things to the table sit down to create something, and the sum is greater than the parts.
Secondly, I have been finding myself talking to people more easily. I have always been intimidated by new people. I think that everyone has a little bit of unease talking to people of the opposite sex, but I have also had problems just talking to anyone. As I have started a new job, started hanging out with old friends, and started making new ones, I have found that this is much easier for me. I have even been able to have conversations with random strangers and found them to be quite interesting.
I think the biggest thing that has lead to this change is that I have been taking the time to evaluate my position on things. I know this sounds really silly, and kind of obvious, but I have spent most of my life defining myself by the people that I am around. It all boils down to self confidence as I have never really been happy with myself, and therefore afraid that other people, if they really got to know me, would not like me either.
But the more I meet new people, and start to make friends, the more I realize that I am a stand up kind of guy. I am really proud of the fact that, while my opinions may be a little out there, I stand by them.
And most importantly I think that I have the trait that I have always found most important in friends. If someone needs help, whether I know them or not, whether I like them or not, I will help if I can. I tend to put other people first, and I think this is a very good trait to have.
I also finished unpacking, got caught up on my schoolwork and balanced my checking account. This honestly makes me feel really good as the mess was getting to me. I also am usually very strict about staying up on school and staying ahead of my finances, so letting things go was putting me in a miserable mood.
It seems all I needed was a couple of distraction free hours and all is right in the world. I think that I should start setting aside a few hours a week just to dot the I's and cross the T's.
I also made plans to go and have Yuengs and Wings with Tammy and made plans with Robert for Monday. Another thing that I have been putting off because I have been procrastinating. Robert and I have been getting together every Monday afternoon for about a month to work on projects that we need another set of hands for. It has been great to be able to get some things done, but mostly it has just been awesome to spend some time with family, something that I have been missing for the last few years.
...
On a more serious note, I have noticed a positive change in myself. My entire life I have had problems with self-confidence. I have always undervalued myself and it has lead to me undermine a lot of good situations. Two things have happened in the last few weeks that have made me realize that, while this might still be an occasional issue, it is definitely improving.
First off I have been taking a very active role in my group projects for school. In the past I have always lead someone else take point and just put in input in my area of expertise, but as I am nearing the end of my degree I am realizing that in many situations I am the expert, and I am happy to find out that unlike some leaders I am really excited when group members share input. There is nothing quite as exciting as when a group of people who all bring different things to the table sit down to create something, and the sum is greater than the parts.
Secondly, I have been finding myself talking to people more easily. I have always been intimidated by new people. I think that everyone has a little bit of unease talking to people of the opposite sex, but I have also had problems just talking to anyone. As I have started a new job, started hanging out with old friends, and started making new ones, I have found that this is much easier for me. I have even been able to have conversations with random strangers and found them to be quite interesting.
I think the biggest thing that has lead to this change is that I have been taking the time to evaluate my position on things. I know this sounds really silly, and kind of obvious, but I have spent most of my life defining myself by the people that I am around. It all boils down to self confidence as I have never really been happy with myself, and therefore afraid that other people, if they really got to know me, would not like me either.
But the more I meet new people, and start to make friends, the more I realize that I am a stand up kind of guy. I am really proud of the fact that, while my opinions may be a little out there, I stand by them.
And most importantly I think that I have the trait that I have always found most important in friends. If someone needs help, whether I know them or not, whether I like them or not, I will help if I can. I tend to put other people first, and I think this is a very good trait to have.
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