Epiphany

I have not been happy with myself recently. I have been attacking this problem in the wrong way. I had thought that there must be something wrong with me. That I should like myself, and because I do not there must be something wrong with my judgement about who I should be. I have been attempting to redefine myself. I have been trying to come up with a new standard by which to judge myself.

In the process I have been doing things that I never would have done in the past. I have been spending time at the bar. Too much time. I have been drinking myself stupid. I have been fooling myself into thinking that because I have been through a bad experience I should give myself some leeway. That I should not be too hard on myself. My friends have agreed with this. They do not want me to be hard on myself either. They truly do think that I am a great person. And to an extent I agree. I do in fact put others be for me. I do in fact do everything I can to make the people around me happy.

But this is not enough. This is going to sound arrogant, but it does not make it less true: I have a great potential. I was put on this earth for a reason. There is something that I was meant to do. I have felt this way ever since I was 10. I stopped looking for that reason when I got married because I thought that I had found it. After my divorce I did not stat looking again because I still felt like I had found it, but that I had somehow failed. Though I still feel a lot of personal guilt, a lot of which is likely misplaced, about the failure of my marriage, I do now realize that this failure is nothing compared to the greater failure that I have been perpetrating.

I still feel strongly that there is a purpose for me in this life. I am going to continue pursuing it. I am going to start pushing myself harder, like I used to, so that I can find out what this is. I am no longer going to lower my standards in regard to who I think I should be in order to make the person that I am fit. I am no longer going to make excuses. I like the person that I am, but the actions that I take are not mine. I am allowing myself to do things that I would never have done before, using pain as an excuse.

No more.