Just a thought.

I have moved to the middle of the bed. This won't mean anything unless you have read all my posts, but as I am the only one reading them anyway, that is just fine. :-)

Thanksgiving...

I never liked the holidays. It is always too chaotic for me, but this year Thanksgiving is off to a good start. Had some fun with the friends and a few drinks. Meeting my folks tomorrow for dinner and I think I will try to continue my tradition of watching It's A Wonderful Life in the evening.

Tonight did however get me thinking that chaos is what has really been bothering me over the last few months. I know it is because of my OCD symptoms, but I do not like chaos. I take great comfort in order. I am really going to try and start to have a routine that I can follow. I just hope I can do it without adding more anxiety. The problem with a routine when you have OCD is that if it gets too inflexible it can be drastically worse than chaos. If you are so stuck to the routine that it causes panic attacks when you do not follow it, then it is much, much worse. Trust me. I've been down that road before.

Sierra Nevada

Not the greatest, but not bad.

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Long Weekend and a thought.

I just finished a ridiculously long weekend. It was funny, but it is time to get back to business. I went a little wild trying to find my footing, and stumbled a bit. But it is good to be in a good place.

I did however have a thought. I am still sleeping on the left side of the bed. I could just as easily sleep on the right or in the middle, but habit is habit.

The truth is I always slept on the right side of the bed before, but changed to the left because kate was more comfortable on the right. I am not trying to be deep, but it is just a symbol of the fact that there are many things that will stay with me from my marriage. ..

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Let it be...

I am feeling good. Really good. I don't know what made the change, but I woke up the other morning after a full nights sleep and felt good. That good feeling has lasted for days. Lets hope it stays.

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What am I doing?

I really have reached a point of peace. The roller coaster is over, I feel happy again. But it is another Friday night and here I sit at the bar. What is it that I am still looking for?

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Feeling Good, but Tired

I managed to get a lot done today. My check engine light came on, but it was an emissions sensor, I got it taken care of and now it is fixed. I swapped the tire that I bought yesterday, and so my car is now back in full running condition with a spare to boot. I took my exam for my ASP class, I think I did pretty well. I arranged to take the quiz for my Web Server Admin class next week. Everything is going very well. I am at the top of my game.

But I still feel so tired that I could sleep for a week. And yet I know that sleep will elude me. I will get a few hours of rest tonight and then I will go in for another long day of work, that starts a long week. This is my life, and I am oddly happy with it. :-)

Elusiveness

Why, even on days that went great can I not sleep? I know I am afraid of the dream, but how can I move on without rest?

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A Stranger in a Strange Land

I am finding myself in a strange position. One that I thought would take me a lot longer to get to.

My friends tell me that it is important that I make sure that I am in a place where I like myself, before I get involved with any one else. They also tell me that it may take a long time to get over my marriage as it lasted for several years.

I honestly do not think that I am lying to myself when I say that I am over it. A lot of the pain is still there, and it will likely always be there, but I am at peace with it.

I also, for the the first time in a long time, am really happy with the person that I am. For a long time I tried lying to myself about who I was. When it comes right down to it, I have my flaws, just like everyone else, but I AM the kind of person that looks out for other people. The kind of person that would gladly give up their own comfort to make a stranger have peace for the night. I think I am a good person, and that has taken me years to realize.

The strange position is, now that I think I am ready to start dating again, I do not have a fucking clue how to proceed...


:::

As an addendum, I just wanted to add that I reread some of my posts and I realize that just four days ago, I posted that I was trying to numb the pain rather than deal with it. I do not think that something miraculous has happened in that time, but who knows maybe it has. I really do think that I was simply having a bad night, and after talking to friends who really do care about me, some clarity has finally been achieved.

Regardless I am in a good place. I have not been in a good place while I was sober in a while, sad I know, but it is the truth. I am sober tonight, I am in sound mind and body, and I feel good. I have to laugh at the fact that I kept telling myself that I needed to make a todo list in order to organize the things I needed to get done, and it is ironic that today I did just that, and tonight is the first night in months that I feel like I have a real handle on my life.

Yes I am that much of a nerd. To make matters worse I actually created a todo list and synced it to my phone using an app from the android market. Hail to the kind of Nerds! And you know what? I am okay with that.

Laundry

Doing your laundry in the laundromat can be slightly depressing. I think it has something to do with everything going in circles.

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Another night... Another fail...

I really did want to accomplish things but life got in the way, good night at work, but a flat tire and a long night at the bar with Nate has set me back a step. How do I move forward? I simply do not know.

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Honesty

I have not been very honest with my self. I have been telling myself that I am alright. That everything is ok. That my life is going exactly how I planned.

The truth is that I am still in pain. I have not been dealing with that pain. I have been spending all my time trying to find things that numb that pain. I have been succeeding, but only for a short period of time. I need to accept that this pain is real, I need to better understand it, and I need to embrace it before I can really even begin the work of fixing it.

In the short term, that means that I need to stop wallowing in self pity. I need to get things done. I need to set the things in my life that I have no control over back into motion, and deal with the pain as it comes.

It sounds really stupid, but the first thing I will need to do is make a todo list. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't do this, I will lose track and be back here tomorrow morning after having gotten absoslutely nothing accomplished.

I have to go to work now, but I am going to start working on that list tonight during my few moments of downtime, and I WILL finish it when I get home. And then I can start getting things done and move forward with my life.