Here it comes... And there it goes...

You think you are past the pain and then something hits you and it all comes back. I dont think I am ever going to be able to fall in love again, it is just too painful.

But alas, I refuse to let it ruin my good time. Back to the halloween party I go.

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I do not know who I am anymore....

How do you find a new definition of yourself, after spending so much energy on the old definition. Who am I? What is my purpose? Do I even like me?


Tired, so tired....

Oh Sandman Send Me A Dream...

Life is getting better all the time, I am settling into my new apartment, I am really enjoying my new job, I am making a lot of new friends. Life is good...

But I still wake up many nights from a nightmare that I cannot place, and it takes me a few minutes to realize where I am. I hope I can get this sorted out soon. It sucks.

The week has drastically improved.

I finally got my internet problems sorted out. Was a simple connection problem, replaced the Cat5 cable that comcast sent with a new one and everything is working great now.

I also finished unpacking, got caught up on my schoolwork and balanced my checking account. This honestly makes me feel really good as the mess was getting to me. I also am usually very strict about staying up on school and staying ahead of my finances, so letting things go was putting me in a miserable mood.

It seems all I needed was a couple of distraction free hours and all is right in the world. I think that I should start setting aside a few hours a week just to dot the I's and cross the T's.

I also made plans to go and have Yuengs and Wings with Tammy and made plans with Robert for Monday. Another thing that I have been putting off because I have been procrastinating. Robert and I have been getting together every Monday afternoon for about a month to work on projects that we need another set of hands for. It has been great to be able to get some things done, but mostly it has just been awesome to spend some time with family, something that I have been missing for the last few years.

...

On a more serious note, I have noticed a positive change in myself. My entire life I have had problems with self-confidence. I have always undervalued myself and it has lead to me undermine a lot of good situations. Two things have happened in the last few weeks that have made me realize that, while this might still be an occasional issue, it is definitely improving.

First off I have been taking a very active role in my group projects for school. In the past I have always lead someone else take point and just put in input in my area of expertise, but as I am nearing the end of my degree I am realizing that in many situations I am the expert, and I am happy to find out that unlike some leaders I am really excited when group members share input. There is nothing quite as exciting as when a group of people who all bring different things to the table sit down to create something, and the sum is greater than the parts.

Secondly, I have been finding myself talking to people more easily. I have always been intimidated by new people. I think that everyone has a little bit of unease talking to people of the opposite sex, but I have also had problems just talking to anyone. As I have started a new job, started hanging out with old friends, and started making new ones, I have found that this is much easier for me. I have even been able to have conversations with random strangers and found them to be quite interesting.

I think the biggest thing that has lead to this change is that I have been taking the time to evaluate my position on things. I know this sounds really silly, and kind of obvious, but I have spent most of my life defining myself by the people that I am around. It all boils down to self confidence as I have never really been happy with myself, and therefore afraid that other people, if they really got to know me, would not like me either.

But the more I meet new people, and start to make friends, the more I realize that I am a stand up kind of guy. I am really proud of the fact that, while my opinions may be a little out there, I stand by them.

And most importantly I think that I have the trait that I have always found most important in friends. If someone needs help, whether I know them or not, whether I like them or not, I will help if I can. I tend to put other people first, and I think this is a very good trait to have.

Somedays your the bug...

...and somedays your the windshield.

Things have been going really well but every now and again you have a day where everything goes wrong.

I got comcast in to set up internet and everything was working great until the tech left. Now I get disconnected every ten minutes.

I set aside time to finish my schoolwork before class only to realize that I have no idea where my portable hard drive is.

I left early to come to class so that I could stop at the PSECU office in Harrisburg to close the joint account. I got there at 4:05, they closed at 4.

And speaking of banks I got a call from them earlier today. I wrote a check to transfer funds from one account to another. It was a little over 3 grand. I forgot to sign it. So not only did I get a fee but I had to rush over to the ATM to make another deposit so I didnt go in the red and have my rent check bounce.

I got it all straightened out, but it is only 5 and I am already ready to give up on today.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

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My Weird Brain

I have begun settling into my new place, and I am so far very happy here. But this morning I awoke from a dream I can't remember and was very disoriented. The stained glass window in my bathroom casts a strange shadow on my wall above my bed that looks like prison bars. An I feeling like this place is a self imposed prison or am I tired and thinking a bit too freudian?

I guess only the morning will tell. For now back to bed until a more reasonable hour.

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Resolution

I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on my path. I have been worried that I have been effected by the recent events of my life. Which is obviously true, as this is always the case. But I have been concerned that it is changing me into a different person than I was before. I have also been concerned that this new person is not someone I like. But I have come to a resolution. The decisions I made, though difficult were the right ones. And regretting those decisions makes it impossible to move forward.

I could not move forward on a path with Kate because I could not see a path that was not destructive. Not just to me, but to us both. I see the path before me now, but the regrets I feel about the way that things happened make me wish there was a different one to follow.

The plain and simple truth is thst the path that I am on now is the right one and there is only one decision to be made. Following it and not allowing my regrets to stop me, or giving up. I am not ready to give up, as I have only begun the fight. So I will do my best to move forward regret free, and live my life.

The hardest thing to face is not that I do not like who I am becoming but that I do not like who I was.

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2 posts in one night, crazinesd

I was reading through my old blog postd and finally read the first one. It struck me. Hard. It was a post about moving into Oakview with Kate. I really felt strongly that she was "the one". Was I really naive, or did things just go bad over the years? I guess that is a question I will need to answer before I can really move on.

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Bittersweet

I am making preparations to move into my new apartment tomorrow. It is bittersweet. It feels good to be moving forward with my life, but it is also hard to finally accept that this is so final. After four years of being with someone that you loved more than anything it is hard to accept that it is time to move on, even if it is for the best. But I truly believe that everything is finally going to be ok.

Just a long night, but I have to get this off my chest...

How is it possible that someone could be so in love with you that you are able to choose names for your children one day and not the next?

I have dealt with all the emotions about getting divorced, and I am finally okay with all of it. But I still can't sleep well at night. What keeps me up? Thinking about the fact that I am never going to meet Elena Marie Mohler or Conner Bruce Mohler. They never even existed anywhere but in my imagination, but it doesn't make me miss them any less.