Epiphany

I have not been happy with myself recently. I have been attacking this problem in the wrong way. I had thought that there must be something wrong with me. That I should like myself, and because I do not there must be something wrong with my judgement about who I should be. I have been attempting to redefine myself. I have been trying to come up with a new standard by which to judge myself.

In the process I have been doing things that I never would have done in the past. I have been spending time at the bar. Too much time. I have been drinking myself stupid. I have been fooling myself into thinking that because I have been through a bad experience I should give myself some leeway. That I should not be too hard on myself. My friends have agreed with this. They do not want me to be hard on myself either. They truly do think that I am a great person. And to an extent I agree. I do in fact put others be for me. I do in fact do everything I can to make the people around me happy.

But this is not enough. This is going to sound arrogant, but it does not make it less true: I have a great potential. I was put on this earth for a reason. There is something that I was meant to do. I have felt this way ever since I was 10. I stopped looking for that reason when I got married because I thought that I had found it. After my divorce I did not stat looking again because I still felt like I had found it, but that I had somehow failed. Though I still feel a lot of personal guilt, a lot of which is likely misplaced, about the failure of my marriage, I do now realize that this failure is nothing compared to the greater failure that I have been perpetrating.

I still feel strongly that there is a purpose for me in this life. I am going to continue pursuing it. I am going to start pushing myself harder, like I used to, so that I can find out what this is. I am no longer going to lower my standards in regard to who I think I should be in order to make the person that I am fit. I am no longer going to make excuses. I like the person that I am, but the actions that I take are not mine. I am allowing myself to do things that I would never have done before, using pain as an excuse.

No more.

Women

I sometimes have trouble ynderstanding the fairer sex. In several occasions I have tried to start a friendship with a girl and they misunderstand and think that I am looking for something romantic.

I wonder if it is something I do, or if it is just the nature of a relationship between a man and a woman.

Maybe I just have to work harder at making my intentions clear.

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Out

Always leave yourself an out. Where's my out?

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Moving On

I still feel great.

I had lunch on Thursday with an old high school friend. Having lunch with her made me think about dating. I have never really dated. The only serious relationship I have ever had was with my ex wife and our courtship was so brief that it hardly counts.

I had thought that it would be more difficult to get back in the "game", but I have really been enjoying the idea. Good for me,i guess.

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Happy

I am still in a really great mood. I thought that once I woke up it might go away, but it hasnt. I feel like a weight has been lifted, and all the stress of the last few minths is gone.

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Just a thought.

I have moved to the middle of the bed. This won't mean anything unless you have read all my posts, but as I am the only one reading them anyway, that is just fine. :-)

Thanksgiving...

I never liked the holidays. It is always too chaotic for me, but this year Thanksgiving is off to a good start. Had some fun with the friends and a few drinks. Meeting my folks tomorrow for dinner and I think I will try to continue my tradition of watching It's A Wonderful Life in the evening.

Tonight did however get me thinking that chaos is what has really been bothering me over the last few months. I know it is because of my OCD symptoms, but I do not like chaos. I take great comfort in order. I am really going to try and start to have a routine that I can follow. I just hope I can do it without adding more anxiety. The problem with a routine when you have OCD is that if it gets too inflexible it can be drastically worse than chaos. If you are so stuck to the routine that it causes panic attacks when you do not follow it, then it is much, much worse. Trust me. I've been down that road before.

Sierra Nevada

Not the greatest, but not bad.

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Long Weekend and a thought.

I just finished a ridiculously long weekend. It was funny, but it is time to get back to business. I went a little wild trying to find my footing, and stumbled a bit. But it is good to be in a good place.

I did however have a thought. I am still sleeping on the left side of the bed. I could just as easily sleep on the right or in the middle, but habit is habit.

The truth is I always slept on the right side of the bed before, but changed to the left because kate was more comfortable on the right. I am not trying to be deep, but it is just a symbol of the fact that there are many things that will stay with me from my marriage. ..

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Let it be...

I am feeling good. Really good. I don't know what made the change, but I woke up the other morning after a full nights sleep and felt good. That good feeling has lasted for days. Lets hope it stays.

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What am I doing?

I really have reached a point of peace. The roller coaster is over, I feel happy again. But it is another Friday night and here I sit at the bar. What is it that I am still looking for?

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Feeling Good, but Tired

I managed to get a lot done today. My check engine light came on, but it was an emissions sensor, I got it taken care of and now it is fixed. I swapped the tire that I bought yesterday, and so my car is now back in full running condition with a spare to boot. I took my exam for my ASP class, I think I did pretty well. I arranged to take the quiz for my Web Server Admin class next week. Everything is going very well. I am at the top of my game.

But I still feel so tired that I could sleep for a week. And yet I know that sleep will elude me. I will get a few hours of rest tonight and then I will go in for another long day of work, that starts a long week. This is my life, and I am oddly happy with it. :-)

Elusiveness

Why, even on days that went great can I not sleep? I know I am afraid of the dream, but how can I move on without rest?

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A Stranger in a Strange Land

I am finding myself in a strange position. One that I thought would take me a lot longer to get to.

My friends tell me that it is important that I make sure that I am in a place where I like myself, before I get involved with any one else. They also tell me that it may take a long time to get over my marriage as it lasted for several years.

I honestly do not think that I am lying to myself when I say that I am over it. A lot of the pain is still there, and it will likely always be there, but I am at peace with it.

I also, for the the first time in a long time, am really happy with the person that I am. For a long time I tried lying to myself about who I was. When it comes right down to it, I have my flaws, just like everyone else, but I AM the kind of person that looks out for other people. The kind of person that would gladly give up their own comfort to make a stranger have peace for the night. I think I am a good person, and that has taken me years to realize.

The strange position is, now that I think I am ready to start dating again, I do not have a fucking clue how to proceed...


:::

As an addendum, I just wanted to add that I reread some of my posts and I realize that just four days ago, I posted that I was trying to numb the pain rather than deal with it. I do not think that something miraculous has happened in that time, but who knows maybe it has. I really do think that I was simply having a bad night, and after talking to friends who really do care about me, some clarity has finally been achieved.

Regardless I am in a good place. I have not been in a good place while I was sober in a while, sad I know, but it is the truth. I am sober tonight, I am in sound mind and body, and I feel good. I have to laugh at the fact that I kept telling myself that I needed to make a todo list in order to organize the things I needed to get done, and it is ironic that today I did just that, and tonight is the first night in months that I feel like I have a real handle on my life.

Yes I am that much of a nerd. To make matters worse I actually created a todo list and synced it to my phone using an app from the android market. Hail to the kind of Nerds! And you know what? I am okay with that.

Laundry

Doing your laundry in the laundromat can be slightly depressing. I think it has something to do with everything going in circles.

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Another night... Another fail...

I really did want to accomplish things but life got in the way, good night at work, but a flat tire and a long night at the bar with Nate has set me back a step. How do I move forward? I simply do not know.

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Honesty

I have not been very honest with my self. I have been telling myself that I am alright. That everything is ok. That my life is going exactly how I planned.

The truth is that I am still in pain. I have not been dealing with that pain. I have been spending all my time trying to find things that numb that pain. I have been succeeding, but only for a short period of time. I need to accept that this pain is real, I need to better understand it, and I need to embrace it before I can really even begin the work of fixing it.

In the short term, that means that I need to stop wallowing in self pity. I need to get things done. I need to set the things in my life that I have no control over back into motion, and deal with the pain as it comes.

It sounds really stupid, but the first thing I will need to do is make a todo list. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't do this, I will lose track and be back here tomorrow morning after having gotten absoslutely nothing accomplished.

I have to go to work now, but I am going to start working on that list tonight during my few moments of downtime, and I WILL finish it when I get home. And then I can start getting things done and move forward with my life.

Here it comes... And there it goes...

You think you are past the pain and then something hits you and it all comes back. I dont think I am ever going to be able to fall in love again, it is just too painful.

But alas, I refuse to let it ruin my good time. Back to the halloween party I go.

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I do not know who I am anymore....

How do you find a new definition of yourself, after spending so much energy on the old definition. Who am I? What is my purpose? Do I even like me?


Tired, so tired....

Oh Sandman Send Me A Dream...

Life is getting better all the time, I am settling into my new apartment, I am really enjoying my new job, I am making a lot of new friends. Life is good...

But I still wake up many nights from a nightmare that I cannot place, and it takes me a few minutes to realize where I am. I hope I can get this sorted out soon. It sucks.

The week has drastically improved.

I finally got my internet problems sorted out. Was a simple connection problem, replaced the Cat5 cable that comcast sent with a new one and everything is working great now.

I also finished unpacking, got caught up on my schoolwork and balanced my checking account. This honestly makes me feel really good as the mess was getting to me. I also am usually very strict about staying up on school and staying ahead of my finances, so letting things go was putting me in a miserable mood.

It seems all I needed was a couple of distraction free hours and all is right in the world. I think that I should start setting aside a few hours a week just to dot the I's and cross the T's.

I also made plans to go and have Yuengs and Wings with Tammy and made plans with Robert for Monday. Another thing that I have been putting off because I have been procrastinating. Robert and I have been getting together every Monday afternoon for about a month to work on projects that we need another set of hands for. It has been great to be able to get some things done, but mostly it has just been awesome to spend some time with family, something that I have been missing for the last few years.

...

On a more serious note, I have noticed a positive change in myself. My entire life I have had problems with self-confidence. I have always undervalued myself and it has lead to me undermine a lot of good situations. Two things have happened in the last few weeks that have made me realize that, while this might still be an occasional issue, it is definitely improving.

First off I have been taking a very active role in my group projects for school. In the past I have always lead someone else take point and just put in input in my area of expertise, but as I am nearing the end of my degree I am realizing that in many situations I am the expert, and I am happy to find out that unlike some leaders I am really excited when group members share input. There is nothing quite as exciting as when a group of people who all bring different things to the table sit down to create something, and the sum is greater than the parts.

Secondly, I have been finding myself talking to people more easily. I have always been intimidated by new people. I think that everyone has a little bit of unease talking to people of the opposite sex, but I have also had problems just talking to anyone. As I have started a new job, started hanging out with old friends, and started making new ones, I have found that this is much easier for me. I have even been able to have conversations with random strangers and found them to be quite interesting.

I think the biggest thing that has lead to this change is that I have been taking the time to evaluate my position on things. I know this sounds really silly, and kind of obvious, but I have spent most of my life defining myself by the people that I am around. It all boils down to self confidence as I have never really been happy with myself, and therefore afraid that other people, if they really got to know me, would not like me either.

But the more I meet new people, and start to make friends, the more I realize that I am a stand up kind of guy. I am really proud of the fact that, while my opinions may be a little out there, I stand by them.

And most importantly I think that I have the trait that I have always found most important in friends. If someone needs help, whether I know them or not, whether I like them or not, I will help if I can. I tend to put other people first, and I think this is a very good trait to have.

Somedays your the bug...

...and somedays your the windshield.

Things have been going really well but every now and again you have a day where everything goes wrong.

I got comcast in to set up internet and everything was working great until the tech left. Now I get disconnected every ten minutes.

I set aside time to finish my schoolwork before class only to realize that I have no idea where my portable hard drive is.

I left early to come to class so that I could stop at the PSECU office in Harrisburg to close the joint account. I got there at 4:05, they closed at 4.

And speaking of banks I got a call from them earlier today. I wrote a check to transfer funds from one account to another. It was a little over 3 grand. I forgot to sign it. So not only did I get a fee but I had to rush over to the ATM to make another deposit so I didnt go in the red and have my rent check bounce.

I got it all straightened out, but it is only 5 and I am already ready to give up on today.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

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My Weird Brain

I have begun settling into my new place, and I am so far very happy here. But this morning I awoke from a dream I can't remember and was very disoriented. The stained glass window in my bathroom casts a strange shadow on my wall above my bed that looks like prison bars. An I feeling like this place is a self imposed prison or am I tired and thinking a bit too freudian?

I guess only the morning will tell. For now back to bed until a more reasonable hour.

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Resolution

I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on my path. I have been worried that I have been effected by the recent events of my life. Which is obviously true, as this is always the case. But I have been concerned that it is changing me into a different person than I was before. I have also been concerned that this new person is not someone I like. But I have come to a resolution. The decisions I made, though difficult were the right ones. And regretting those decisions makes it impossible to move forward.

I could not move forward on a path with Kate because I could not see a path that was not destructive. Not just to me, but to us both. I see the path before me now, but the regrets I feel about the way that things happened make me wish there was a different one to follow.

The plain and simple truth is thst the path that I am on now is the right one and there is only one decision to be made. Following it and not allowing my regrets to stop me, or giving up. I am not ready to give up, as I have only begun the fight. So I will do my best to move forward regret free, and live my life.

The hardest thing to face is not that I do not like who I am becoming but that I do not like who I was.

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2 posts in one night, crazinesd

I was reading through my old blog postd and finally read the first one. It struck me. Hard. It was a post about moving into Oakview with Kate. I really felt strongly that she was "the one". Was I really naive, or did things just go bad over the years? I guess that is a question I will need to answer before I can really move on.

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Bittersweet

I am making preparations to move into my new apartment tomorrow. It is bittersweet. It feels good to be moving forward with my life, but it is also hard to finally accept that this is so final. After four years of being with someone that you loved more than anything it is hard to accept that it is time to move on, even if it is for the best. But I truly believe that everything is finally going to be ok.

Just a long night, but I have to get this off my chest...

How is it possible that someone could be so in love with you that you are able to choose names for your children one day and not the next?

I have dealt with all the emotions about getting divorced, and I am finally okay with all of it. But I still can't sleep well at night. What keeps me up? Thinking about the fact that I am never going to meet Elena Marie Mohler or Conner Bruce Mohler. They never even existed anywhere but in my imagination, but it doesn't make me miss them any less.

My poor friend blogger...

Oh blogger, my poor mistreated friend. I only ever come to you to talk when things are going well or things are going bad. But even still you allow me to vent so that I can move on with things.

As far as things going bad, I guess you could not get much worse than now.

I am in the process of getting divorced. It would not have been my choice. Frankly I still don't know what my choice is. I feel as though my hands are being forced, and there are no decisions left to me. But what is done is done, and now I must find a way for me to move forward.

Starting a life over when you are nearly 30 is not fun. I am just now getting myself set back up to the point where I can even function, and I have no idea what to do with myself. For the time being I am simply going through the motions. Mostly because I have no energy left to do anything else.

Well enough of the self pity and the hatred. I am a strong man, and I can get past anything. I just spent the last three years of my life muddling through some pretty tough situations, with the goal in mind always ending with me standing hand in hand with the woman I loved. Now I need to determine what I want in life now that I cannot have that.

Tired...

New Semester started....

Going well...

Having a lonely night...

Missing my wife...

Scared about the future...

Hopeful about the future...

Tired...

So Very Tired...

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